it's 6 in the morning juz came back hme after the nite out with vinod and all... It was a gd day today. ACtually my day kindda only started at bout 6 pm cuz tats when i woke up ...hahaha 

I went to run today it's been sme time and i had so much of emotions in me i thought of putting it to better use...I started to run and went to sembawang frm there it was another 10 k to marsling. I went past the checkpoint and to the mrt station...It was a gd runm i shd add took bout 50 mins not bad consindering eh.. haha

Than came home had my shower and all and went to meet jith at macs.. They were closed ah.. i was so sad... CARAMEL FRAPPE!!! I think the ladt selling the frappe felt for me looking at me through the window... he's nice we kindda got to noe each other through my daily patronisation if tats a word...

Than we met vinod and all went to jalan kayu for prata and to the dam for a drink BUT....  i didn't drink. I felt happy bout ahh... Proud of myself so it's been one day since i drank not great could be better but hey it's a start... I got the call to join the ship tomorrow but i managed to postpone for another two days...Glad tat came through ..

When im back im getting my license, buying a bike, starting a business, running the standard chartered marathon, and ohh yes get whateva i was supposed to get vinod... We'll be the biggest out there and the dreams the 5 of us had im gonna make them come true...

so i got the call today from the company requesting me to join tomorrow, ut i managed to bargain for another two more days so i'll be leaving on thursday. You've got no idea how im feeling now. I can't hold my tears back as i see my mum in the kitchen. I miss her alot already and i'll miss her even more. My brother who always has alot to say cldn't seem to come up with anything to say when i told him i was going to leave. i could see his sadness in his eyes. 

having a terrible headache...heading over to boss today, for a change i shallhave martell instead of beer ahh...

I'm drunk as a dog... I can't walk straight and i have a beer belly : ) hahahaha but it's ok this phase will pass pretty soon. JUz came back from selatar reservoir with vinod and karthik. I've been going there everyday for the past few days. It makes me feel very quiet and at peace. I feel very happy being there and we just talk and all. And well there's the endless bottles of beer too but.... It's all good. As days go by im starting to realise that the person i am when im sober isn't very hard to crack cuz once you got me going on bout three bottles ou can ask me just bout anything and if i trust you juz a little im ur's!! We go there juz to chill but there comes a certain point of time when i realise that we're there cuz of me.Cuz thats the only time when they noe that im weak. And i spill my feelings out to them . They're my friends yes... but still it scares me when ppl noe what kind of a person i am cuz than they can make use of me.I trust my frens though. Especially karthik and vinod. I've go to go run again later. ohh yes and hooters was a blast. Thanks for the wonderful dinner :) i really appreciate it. And now when im back frm sailing u noe where you can find me every other day .... hahaha : P i kid i kid... ok i gotta sleep now can't keep my eyes open any longer. cya 

just came back hme after meeting vinod... tonight's session has been a really weird one. I kindda did things i NEVER  would. I actually broke dwn infront of him and it wasn't a pretty sight. I took my phone and made a call  never would have made no matter in any state of mind and i poured my feelings out to the person on the phone. I guess i just missed her, i'm very sorry for bothering you so late at night. It'll never happen again. Im sorry

It's 5 a.m i juz came home. I was out with vinod i wanted to meet him cuz i was kindda sad i lost another 300 today... How can someone loose so much?? tsk. but it's ok easy come easy go huh? if you noe what i mean to those who noe how i got it in the first place : P well glad im still smiling. I feel like a pig at the moment, tats cuz i juz had chong pang nasi lemak and 4 bottles of carlsberg!!! anngh... now i really do believe it when they say ppl eat alot when they're sad. I mean c'mon im not the type who eats!!! i have a meal a day and im done now im eating like a pig ahh... drinking although i desperately try to run to help myself a little i don't think it's doing me any good...  

I have no idea why im sad, im not sad cause i lost my money please i never worried bout money for those who noe me u shd noe this bout me by now, but it's juz honestly if u ask me i miss having someone to talk to.... i miss having someone who meant alot to me someone to care about, someone to juz freakin love.... as tears roll down my cheeks now i see my past and i fear wats to come, i shun those who care about me away fearing the same to come.... i ask myself what did i do to deserve that.All i ever did was honestly wat she ever wanted. I'm over her but juz not what she did to me.

i did feel a liitle better though cuz i got a msg from someone who meant alot. It made me smile than made me tear to see what i had become and what i was doing to myself.... I really need....... i don't even noe what i want.. Please help me

I'm living day after day not knowing who i am, what  is it that i want  or who i really need.. I noe one thing though i would love to have you by my side but u've got ur own life and other's who matter and i wld never want to bother you....

ok so i've finally got some time alone... It's 4. 50 in the morning i can't sleep and i've decided to confront my feelings left alone in me...

 Well what can i say there're so many things on my mind like my studies, my parents, my brother and the way he's been behaving. It kindda sucks to be the oldest, where u always have to be strong for everyone to lean on you. My mum turns to me for everything after i returned from sailing. I mean it's nice to noe that she thinks that im responsible and all but it's all a little too much for me.

 I feel so lonely these days. Although i have my friends around me, all the time there isn't anyone who i can really talk to, or shd i say there isn't anyone whom i feel comfortable around to speak  with. I've been through alot of crap onaboard and when everyone asks me how was sailing i juz smile and say it was great but i don't wanna tell them the difficulties i had to go through, the words i had to endure and the labour i was put through.

 It's all nice and shiny on the outside but it sucks on the inside to be a cadet that is. Once i become an officer i'm gonna fuck all the mother fuckers who played punk with me!!! watch out you son's of bitches!!! And there's this thing bout ppl whom i've lost ppl whom used to matter so much before i went sailing, whom were always there seem so distant and im afraid to approach them cuz it juz isn't the same anymore.tsk tsk  And well yesssss there is the part where i lost a certain amount of money when i  bet loosing it to Singapore pools, But i wldn't say it was all for waste it taught me alot, on how to bet and how not to bet... The best thing to do wld be not to bet but what the heck u gotta take some risks now and then. Although i don't think $8000 was worth the lesson learnt i guess things don't come cheap in life huh : ) 

I juz need Strength at the moment strength to carry myself forward and to move on, Hope- hope that better things will come my way and so does someone who will always be ard and Luck -luck so that i always  stay lucky  : D see now that wasn't so bad... I feel better already.

And i wld really appreciate those reading these entries to please comment with ur own names and not tag as anonymous .... Please la i don't bite u noe.

So i'm left sitting up at this hour pondering on my losses of late, And it's starting to get to me... I need to recover whateva i've lost. I feel like im left in a jail cell at this moment. Every minute tat passes i feel like im wasting my time. I shd never have done tat in the first place but i juz cldn't say no. Yes the risks were great but the potential prospects were even greater... I'm left with nothing but a small piece of wat i had initially but i'm not disheartened. I'm gonna turn this around and i'm gonna make this work..

I'm Backkkk........

ok everyone i'm so sorry for my laziness i finally got my password reset and all, so yea. :) nice to be back in sg. Things have changed but hopefully they're all for the better. Well wat can i say it's 1 a.m in the morning and im awake as usual. i'm bored.... there are alot i things i wanna get out of me but i'm juz kindda not in the mood to share at the moment. sorry but i'l put it down pretty soon. 

 peace