tomorrow's my older brother's b'day. It'll be 22 years since he left us. I never knew exactly why he died or how he did but today after hearing it, i can't hold back my tears and my anger. My father just told me that my younger brother is the way he is today because i never showed him the right path. He said if my older brother was around he wouldn't  have had this problem it kindda hurts alot... but it's ok. Bonds like family ,gf's and all these things are the one's which hold ppl back from being who they want to be or stop them from becoming great i choose to be great one day. and i will. 

ah yes... it has been a long time since i updated eh... well i hope the person who keeps giving me the anonymous comments is happy today... no im juz kidding... Well i've been really busy with work this past week..It was terrible i tell you. I was working more than 18 hrs a day without sleep ah, plus i wld come back home after work go to run and than go back to work again... i was afraid my heart was gonna fail on me!!!

                                                            Well the good thing is i was paid 30 bucks an hr so in total i probably made bout i dunno alot this week alone!!! hahaha yeehhhhhhh..... : ) todays sat and im staying hme after a long time. Its so boring. Well atleast i had a movie to watch and someone msging me to keep me company. It kindda felt good.. so thank you to that special person and thank you ch 5!! ok i'm off to run now gotta get in shape, i miss the days when i ate less and ran more!!! CYa

it's 6 in the morning juz came back hme after the nite out with vinod and all... It was a gd day today. ACtually my day kindda only started at bout 6 pm cuz tats when i woke up ...hahaha 

I went to run today it's been sme time and i had so much of emotions in me i thought of putting it to better use...I started to run and went to sembawang frm there it was another 10 k to marsling. I went past the checkpoint and to the mrt station...It was a gd runm i shd add took bout 50 mins not bad consindering eh.. haha

Than came home had my shower and all and went to meet jith at macs.. They were closed ah.. i was so sad... CARAMEL FRAPPE!!! I think the ladt selling the frappe felt for me looking at me through the window... he's nice we kindda got to noe each other through my daily patronisation if tats a word...

Than we met vinod and all went to jalan kayu for prata and to the dam for a drink BUT....  i didn't drink. I felt happy bout ahh... Proud of myself so it's been one day since i drank not great could be better but hey it's a start... I got the call to join the ship tomorrow but i managed to postpone for another two days...Glad tat came through ..

When im back im getting my license, buying a bike, starting a business, running the standard chartered marathon, and ohh yes get whateva i was supposed to get vinod... We'll be the biggest out there and the dreams the 5 of us had im gonna make them come true...

so i got the call today from the company requesting me to join tomorrow, ut i managed to bargain for another two more days so i'll be leaving on thursday. You've got no idea how im feeling now. I can't hold my tears back as i see my mum in the kitchen. I miss her alot already and i'll miss her even more. My brother who always has alot to say cldn't seem to come up with anything to say when i told him i was going to leave. i could see his sadness in his eyes. 

having a terrible headache...heading over to boss today, for a change i shallhave martell instead of beer ahh...

I'm drunk as a dog... I can't walk straight and i have a beer belly : ) hahahaha but it's ok this phase will pass pretty soon. JUz came back from selatar reservoir with vinod and karthik. I've been going there everyday for the past few days. It makes me feel very quiet and at peace. I feel very happy being there and we just talk and all. And well there's the endless bottles of beer too but.... It's all good. As days go by im starting to realise that the person i am when im sober isn't very hard to crack cuz once you got me going on bout three bottles ou can ask me just bout anything and if i trust you juz a little im ur's!! We go there juz to chill but there comes a certain point of time when i realise that we're there cuz of me.Cuz thats the only time when they noe that im weak. And i spill my feelings out to them . They're my friends yes... but still it scares me when ppl noe what kind of a person i am cuz than they can make use of me.I trust my frens though. Especially karthik and vinod. I've go to go run again later. ohh yes and hooters was a blast. Thanks for the wonderful dinner :) i really appreciate it. And now when im back frm sailing u noe where you can find me every other day .... hahaha : P i kid i kid... ok i gotta sleep now can't keep my eyes open any longer. cya 

just came back hme after meeting vinod... tonight's session has been a really weird one. I kindda did things i NEVER  would. I actually broke dwn infront of him and it wasn't a pretty sight. I took my phone and made a call  never would have made no matter in any state of mind and i poured my feelings out to the person on the phone. I guess i just missed her, i'm very sorry for bothering you so late at night. It'll never happen again. Im sorry

It's 5 a.m i juz came home. I was out with vinod i wanted to meet him cuz i was kindda sad i lost another 300 today... How can someone loose so much?? tsk. but it's ok easy come easy go huh? if you noe what i mean to those who noe how i got it in the first place : P well glad im still smiling. I feel like a pig at the moment, tats cuz i juz had chong pang nasi lemak and 4 bottles of carlsberg!!! anngh... now i really do believe it when they say ppl eat alot when they're sad. I mean c'mon im not the type who eats!!! i have a meal a day and im done now im eating like a pig ahh... drinking although i desperately try to run to help myself a little i don't think it's doing me any good...  

I have no idea why im sad, im not sad cause i lost my money please i never worried bout money for those who noe me u shd noe this bout me by now, but it's juz honestly if u ask me i miss having someone to talk to.... i miss having someone who meant alot to me someone to care about, someone to juz freakin love.... as tears roll down my cheeks now i see my past and i fear wats to come, i shun those who care about me away fearing the same to come.... i ask myself what did i do to deserve that.All i ever did was honestly wat she ever wanted. I'm over her but juz not what she did to me.

i did feel a liitle better though cuz i got a msg from someone who meant alot. It made me smile than made me tear to see what i had become and what i was doing to myself.... I really need....... i don't even noe what i want.. Please help me

I'm living day after day not knowing who i am, what  is it that i want  or who i really need.. I noe one thing though i would love to have you by my side but u've got ur own life and other's who matter and i wld never want to bother you....

ok so i've finally got some time alone... It's 4. 50 in the morning i can't sleep and i've decided to confront my feelings left alone in me...

 Well what can i say there're so many things on my mind like my studies, my parents, my brother and the way he's been behaving. It kindda sucks to be the oldest, where u always have to be strong for everyone to lean on you. My mum turns to me for everything after i returned from sailing. I mean it's nice to noe that she thinks that im responsible and all but it's all a little too much for me.

 I feel so lonely these days. Although i have my friends around me, all the time there isn't anyone who i can really talk to, or shd i say there isn't anyone whom i feel comfortable around to speak  with. I've been through alot of crap onaboard and when everyone asks me how was sailing i juz smile and say it was great but i don't wanna tell them the difficulties i had to go through, the words i had to endure and the labour i was put through.

 It's all nice and shiny on the outside but it sucks on the inside to be a cadet that is. Once i become an officer i'm gonna fuck all the mother fuckers who played punk with me!!! watch out you son's of bitches!!! And there's this thing bout ppl whom i've lost ppl whom used to matter so much before i went sailing, whom were always there seem so distant and im afraid to approach them cuz it juz isn't the same anymore.tsk tsk  And well yesssss there is the part where i lost a certain amount of money when i  bet loosing it to Singapore pools, But i wldn't say it was all for waste it taught me alot, on how to bet and how not to bet... The best thing to do wld be not to bet but what the heck u gotta take some risks now and then. Although i don't think $8000 was worth the lesson learnt i guess things don't come cheap in life huh : ) 

I juz need Strength at the moment strength to carry myself forward and to move on, Hope- hope that better things will come my way and so does someone who will always be ard and Luck -luck so that i always  stay lucky  : D see now that wasn't so bad... I feel better already.

And i wld really appreciate those reading these entries to please comment with ur own names and not tag as anonymous .... Please la i don't bite u noe.

So i'm left sitting up at this hour pondering on my losses of late, And it's starting to get to me... I need to recover whateva i've lost. I feel like im left in a jail cell at this moment. Every minute tat passes i feel like im wasting my time. I shd never have done tat in the first place but i juz cldn't say no. Yes the risks were great but the potential prospects were even greater... I'm left with nothing but a small piece of wat i had initially but i'm not disheartened. I'm gonna turn this around and i'm gonna make this work..

I'm Backkkk........

ok everyone i'm so sorry for my laziness i finally got my password reset and all, so yea. :) nice to be back in sg. Things have changed but hopefully they're all for the better. Well wat can i say it's 1 a.m in the morning and im awake as usual. i'm bored.... there are alot i things i wanna get out of me but i'm juz kindda not in the mood to share at the moment. sorry but i'l put it down pretty soon. 

 peace

hey everybody, i'm leaving to go onboard today, i won't be able to keep in contact for the nxt 3 to 4 weeks, so u guys takecare ok... i'll see u all soon. stay safe.. :)

i juz had my dinner, it wasn't bad i especially liked the desert! sweet heaven! haha i'm chatting with indra on msn, she's a very nice person... I mean i knew she was nice but yea now i kindda have a rough idea of the sort of person she is... I called my mum today ,and she was very sad, telling me bout how much trouble my younger bro is giving and all and she told me this before she hung up " i love you very much, takcare of urself and come back safely" when i was in sg my mother nvr told me she loved me...not once... I miss her alot, well neither did i tell her i loved her. but yea i guess we all have our flaws...

My feelings show

My life seems so massive and random, i've got so many thoughts popping into my head. And i try to think bout everyone of the but there just seems like there's too many. I was juz speaking to a fren who sailed with me and he was telling me bout how he had a gf when he  went he went sailing and another one back in sg. It's a long story. And he used to love her so much... wat happened i don't know but it's juz weird to see these things happen... so bout the randomness in my head i wish to be myself for juz this one entry and say I miss you so much, and i no how you feel bout relationships and all but..... nahh forget it, it's taking too much out of me to complete this...  i miss you ****** juz as a fren for now, but maybe if fate or smthing allows and i pick up the courage to allow myself to love again,and so do u, than i'll let u noe.

oh yea and i've decided to sail continuously for the nxt 9 mths so i finish it off...i noe it's a long time bu since neither of us seem to be ready time will tell.... Cuz like u said seperation makes the heart grow fonder

So i'm sitting in my room reflecting on my life and all, and i'm let wondering did i make mistakes with povanes, cuz if i was such a gd bf, y did we end up this way? Y did after 2 and a half years did all those things have to happen. Y did i loose my temper, my cool i always controlled myself but y did i give up on tat. Shd i have given it a second chance?? If we didn't go our seperate ways i wldn't be wat i am today, so afraid to love, to trust , even to like. But we can't always life in the past...

            We all see many different people throughout our life time and we like some ppl that we see and some ppl we juz do not, howeva there can only be one special person tat we'll find. And although throughout life we make many mistakes bout this person being special and all we some day realise tat wat if we were with this other person how wld our life have been...The moment that thought comes to ur mind the relationship u have with whoeva at that moment is a waste. U shd never have second thoughts of the person ur with...Not only does it create problems it also hurts the other person ,tats y u shd get to noe the other person very well b4 entering into a relationship, only when u see uself being with that person shd u actually commit.

As for me i like this gal now, in my eye's she's very diff from all the other gals and i do think she's special. And there's also the possibility tat i like her juz cuz i juz got out of a relationship and she'd be the rebound...But honestly do u think i'm like tat.....? it's juz a like thingy at the moment no commitments and all, but she's keeping her distance i guess cuz she's not interested and she dosen't want to hurt me and all. But it's cool, we all nedd our own space ad we take our own time. I wld have bee put off if she liked me juz at that instance, but she decided not to and tat makes her special, waiting for the right time and always staying ahead. Gals shd be that way but u juz don't see too much of that these days... As for me i'll always be around and when she feels like she needs me around she'll let me noe...i think.haha 

Date

I had a great time last night with my date with estrella, if thats how u spell her name. We went to this place called tito's for dinner its a bar cum club like thingy but there weren't too many ppl there. The guy said it was like tat on sunday's. So we decided to walk along the beach , it was a really long walk but kindda fun, Listening to her talk in her funny accent. haha but she's nice very sweet gal. And yea tats bout it haha i came back to my hut with her.......... ok i noe wat u guys are thinking bout now, but nothing happened!! haha we were juz watching a movie than it was getting kindda late and her mum called so i walked her back to her hut than yeah the date was over... I was a perfect gentlemen the entire time! : ) It was kindda lonely though after she left i was sitting here alone and i didn't noe wat to do. PPl back home were going to bed and i was left alone here...i watched tv till bout 2 than went to bed.

Woke up at bout 5 than went back to sleep again woke up at 6 than slept again than finally decided to shower at bout 7.30 and headed for breakfast. I'm watching the movie fearless now, nth much to do.... i'll keep updated yea. 

Don't chase me anymore, Unless you're ready to catch me.

so i was thinking there are alot of sailors out there and there are at the moment alot of guys who are better than me, cuz honestly i don't noe much for nuts compared to the others of course i'm gonna work , work hard and till i'm the best i'm never quitting! juz like it says on the tattoo "Never give up".

 Alot of ppl have got different views on tattoo's and all but yea i mean u can't blame them but yea this tattoo is special to me. It means alot. Reminds me never to give up and alwys gets me thinking y i got it in te first place. i want to be the best in wateva i do and ys i do noe alot of ppl have got diff views bout me but tats their problem. I noe wat i am and tats all that matters.

I won't let anyone bring me down again. I mean there are alot of awesome gals out there and all but yea it's no rush for me, i'll let the right one come along and when i noe she's the one i'll let her noe till than we can all be good friends. 

I'll always strive for the best

I'm sitting in room 504, woke up like 3 hrs ago went to have my breakfast and came back here and i've been watching t.v sinec. I'm watching this movie " on the line" it's some love movie, bout a guy letting slip a wonderful gal, now don't we all do that mistake and he try's to make up for it by looking for her a few weeks later and all he finds her eventually. nice movie.... Got a date later with this gal i met by the pool we're going for dinner at baga beach, it's juz outside our resort, we're hitting a club there.She seems nice, very clever you can tell by the way she speaks. She's here on holiday from spain hahaha see you later...

i miss my mother so much. it's almost 9 in sg. And  all the times i was there i didn't stay home once to spend the day with my mum or my family... : ( 

i love you amma...

Room 504

I juz spoke to my mum, it was nice hearing her voice, she was advising me on not o go running alone, and all. i'm so bored i juz came back frm swimming ,saw this hot gal, she kept smiling at me and i felt so bad ah..... bikini babes!!! the americans can really pull of the bikini look ah! i'm starving! and dinner is ooru timing ah! 8 o' clock! wtf!!! HUNGRY LA OI!!! : ( 

Lost in my thoughts

The thing bout being here and all.... it's nice it really is. I've got nothing to complain really. U'd probably wish you were here instead. I've got nothing much to do alone for the next 6 mths so alot of entries can be expected. The last time i went sailing i had brought along a diary where i wrote everyday without fail, my thoughts, the things which happened to me tat day, and everyday had this line... " i love you" .

Well now that, that phase of my life has walked right out the window, i'm left with my best fren these past few mths someone who always listens and never says anything back " myownspace"... it's been really hard for me, holding back my tears i'm sitting in my room now, and as i'm doing this the tears juz can't stop flowing.

I barely know what is it that i want these days,i think i want something or someone than my mind tells me that i'm not good enough or it's too much trouble, ur juz gonna end up hurt. So i keep to myself, and now that i'm alone i regret pushing ppl away... Smiling is soo hard to do these days, so is sleeping, eating and being ard ppl. Cause i act everytime. I noe tat tat person there is not me, and i don't want to be there let alone when i'm feeling this way.

The only thing which honestly makes me smile without thinking twice, is the pic i have on my desktop dpic and handphone screensaver. She' not anyone special or anything just a friend but looking at her always brings a smile to my face, brings me back to earth tat not everybody's bad and tat it's ok to feel hurt. But she'd always be there to make me smile.

I just wish time would pass quickly and i can be back home, doing my on things and it never occurred to me till karthik sent me the last msg yesterday, " 6 more mths 3 musketeers rockin sg once more" it mean alot to me. I got a piece of advice the other day frrm one of my uncle's " Roshan screw the world till ur 30 than come back and get married"  haha it sounds wrg ah and the thought crossed my mind once, but NO, i'm better than tat... and u noe it

GOA

hey everybody i;m in goa already... stayed at mumbai for a night than flew here this morning! this place is awesome!! the chickaa's are ohhhhhh sooooooo HOT!! haha i'm in my hotel room i'll be staying here for another 4 days before the ship comes to port so i'll be at the beach everyday!! My farewell at the airport was very touching. My frens and my parents... i felt very sad having to leave everybody there and also some ppl who weren't there but i kept my tears in... smiling all the way. I didn't want to show tat i was sad. it's nice and all here but kindda lonley... : ) oh yea i got a hp no. here the no. is 9765664281 so yea msg me. i might not reply for weeks at a time but when i'm back i will ok. takecare u'll. always in my heart.

6 months later

tomorrow's the day..... 8 p.m flight... Goodbye everybody. see you guys soon. Stay safe u'll .....

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

Kind of my current life story...

juz came back from vinod's wife;s blk they had some fight or smthing and i had to go dwn there to prevent any futher fights. I'm no one to comment but i'm sick of seeing women cheat on their husbands or bf's. i mean yea we guys do cheat to but this s juz my view. 

Came back frm my run i shd say today was a very big improvement frm yesterday. i did my 5 k in k in like 16 mins and a few secs. it's not awesome i've done better but yea compared to yesterday tat is.

i'm sitting at macs having my supper now , the ppl here are so nice the lady served me my burger with chilli sauce and all, he actually took the effort to gt me the sauce frm the dispenser. And the guy making the frappe gave me so much of extra whipped cream and caramel sauce!! yummy!!! haha i guess my presence here every nite makes them happy.hahaha : D XOXO

okok i gtg my frappe i'm craving for my frappe!!! c'ya

met karthik and sugu earlier, karthik skipped school! the second day and he's doing it again. hopefully he does well this sem and gets his ass outta Sp. We went walking round Northpoint aimlessly. 

                 

Hah, we've been doing alot of tat lately. yishun's become very boring ah.... even the standard og ladies around the area has declined! tsk.... wats the world coming to....... ; D we went to watch some tamil movie kindda funny movie, haha i was stuck between karthik and sugu, but it was ok cuz i was feeling really cold anyways .haha 

Juz came hme, oh yea i got myself new apparels yesterday. kinnda cool! i bought a body suit, nike running tights, and a nike pro. very nice!! oh and as a going away gift a flesh imp jean for my bro, expensive ah! like 100 +. but i guess it'll make up for all the times i shouted at him for dirtying the huz.

Ok than i'm gonna go run now, i feel stronger and happier today. I think it's the pic in my hp, makes me feel very happy wheneva i see it. gtg now bye...

ok ppl it's FINALLY doe, i'm leaving this weekend!!!! stay cool u guys. takecare

Road to destruction

Confusion has taken over my mind!  i hate what i'm doing to myself and to you. I've been pushing you away for the past week or so. i try my best to stop myself frm keeping in contact with you ,but there're juz sme times where it gets so lonleyi juz can't help myself. i've been trying to piss you off, and make you hate me, disgusted and all. i hope it works. when i first got to noe you i saw you as someone who i cld really click with someone who was very diferent frm all the other gals i've met. you still are. But i'm juz not the same person. my lonley nights are starting to take a toll on me. I noe i say all that crap bout this gal being hot and tat gal being hot and all but the truth is i juz don't see any gal in the way. they juz don't affect me.i find it kindda weid to tell another i love her when for the past 2 years and more i've help another gals hands and always told her i'd never leave her and that i'd always hold her. i guess i really meant it.

so it's been a few days since i've posted a proper entry....Everytime i wanna update all the things going on in my mind i'm afraid ppl wld read and start to noe the real me, the things that go on in my head, the way i react to situations. But i've decided to brush off what others may think and juz write.

                          the past few days have been really lonesome for me, i don't noe y exactly but things like y did i have to meet povanes in the first place, the times we had together, the circumstances tat let to us moving apart, it's been a really painful few days for me. Constantly in my mind although i don't show it out it's killing me inside. I thought i was over it, but as much as i like to think tat i am, i'm juz too afraid to let ppl into my life,be open to them,or even have a proper conversation with a gal.

                                                                     I've been pushing ppl away, not replying sms's,s, staying up at the macs late at night till bout 5 in the morning. It feels so lonely in my room, even the only place where i felt safe i'm shunning. As much as i noe that drinking is not going to solve my problems and i've not drank in a long time mths i think. Maybe juz abit wldn't hurt at the moment.

               

                 Is wat i'm doing wrong? i need someone to show me some love, haha i'm sounding weird now, but yea the truth is i juz need someone to be here for me, and although ppl have come forth and offered so many times i push them away. i don't feel comfortable with any of them. I'm sorry but yea tats just me. I don't trust easily.i bet u never knew this bout me!! And as for the person i was toking bout earlier i noe i said i'll always be here for you, but seeing you the other day....i'm not so sure if i can. Memories haunt me everytime i see you. I wld never blame you for wat happened, it was my fault. i'm sorry 

          

                                                                                                  But yes it wld really help if you could please (i'm so sorry) let me go. I can't come meet you anymore,i juz can't. I'm a mess and i've just started picking myself up.so please... :(

                                                                      

Thursday

I had a wonderful time at the movies.... Went to watch semi-pro and it was so funny. It was nice seeing her laugh so much lastnite.I mean she's very guarded and all, although she always denies tat, you are!!! :) She's a wonderful person and yea... i'm smitten i think..... we'll see. Ok ppl i'm leaving nxt week, so u'll do takecare yea.

5 mins

ok so i've got bout 5 mins to do this, i've got to go run and it's already 11.50 p.m!!! so yea i had a fun day today, vinoth came along to help today we ended up playing with the tractor!! it was so fun but i think we broke a overhead cable but we didn't dare tell my uncle.hahaha and i'm supposed to be responsible here ah!! i was reading this printout my uncle gave me and i came across this very nice phrase., " motivation is the one that gets you started, habit is the one which keeps you going" nice uh... ok than i gtg now. so yea tc everyone. oh yes and pls stop tagging as anonymous ! 

Starbucked

i've had a hell of  week, helping my uncle and all, and things juz don't seem yo be the same. My friends seem distant, it's been awhile since i've seen all of them and i've come to realise tat other than those three guys i've really got no onle else.

                                                                                        Things haven't been the same with certain ppl as well, i don't noe, they're juz different. And it kind of pisses me off, but wat the heck huh, there's no point getting angry or frustrated.It didn't belong to me to start with.

       

                                                                                                                                 so yea love my new watch, which has taken quite a beating already. and tats bout it i guess. ohh yes and my busines plan i've been working on... it's totally awesome!!! screw sheutlz i'm gonna be bigger than him!

Things are really weird. i don't noe wats going on nowadays in my life. i'm gonna keep my distance frm everyone except y bros. ppl if you realise i'm drifting away, please don't be offended. i feel safer this way, tat way i won't get hurt. Life has brought many face's so far good and bad i'm juz trying to get things sorted out now, i'm confused you may think i'm an ass and all but i've got to do wat i've got to do. i'd rather be happy and always smiling than having so many thoughts in myself and not sharing with anybody.

Weeds are the work of the devil!!!

So as you can see from the title i'm doing gardening!! haha more like bangla worker ah! i think it's been like  days and the bangle'nesss is getting to me. Today's the first day i got injured on the job apart from yesterdays cuts and bruises today i got a freaking nail through my shoe and into my foot, it was so painful ah!!!  and i cldn't get it out! i thought i was 1/4 crucified or smthing ah. finally when i did manage to get it out it juz had to be a fucking rusty nail.. but it's a good thing i got an injection the last time when i hit my head, so she did help me in a way.haha than i was cleaning the toilet and my uncle had installed some drain covers but somehow they weren't very strong and i was passing by they gave way and i got a long "chunk"  of my leg torn...so painful... i think it's the killing of all those weeds ahhh....somehow they've cursed me or smthing! sheesh i'm sorry i'm sorry.... : D hahaha

Tats my Girlfriend

This is the first saturday since i came back to sg, tat i'm staying home. Well i guessed since i'm leaving i might as well make my parents happy by staying home for the weekend...It's kindda nice staying hme i must say. My mum's cooking me lunch...haha it's been a long time since i ate her cooking. kindda miss it .hehe i was out till 5 am so i guessed i'd help her by buying all the stuff she needed to cook so i went to the market and you noe wat!! when you go there in the wee hours of the day you get everything for really really cheap ah!! i bought like 3 big bags of vegetables and stuff for $12 

haha and when i woke up i saw my mum coming into the huz she had gone to the market to buy vegetables!!!! waste my money ah! tsk ...

                                see ppl blog bout their life here i am blogging bout vegetables!!! haha anyways so yea leaving real soon, i'm looking forward to it actually, but juz noe u'll be missed ok. So when will i see ur face again?

So i went to changi again today, to give my passport and discharge book. I was thinking that i would be going sometime this week but they gave me a bomb ah!! The officer came to me an said " ok roshan you go tomorrow" i was prepared to go but when heard the captain's name i got scared ah! the same fucking captain from my old ship!!  i hated tat Son of a Bitch!!

I'm yet to decide if i wanna go tomorrow. i've got till afternoon. so yea.....hiazzzz the first thing which came to my mind when he said go tomorrow was ok great and shit i've not told her! i felt sad bout tat...if only i could tell you.

so i went to the company today at changi with karthiik, it was a really long bus ride ah, two bus rides actually. My heart was beating kindda fast while i was on my way there. I don't know why, but everytime i go to sign the contract i feel this way. When we reached the bus stop we were tapping our cards before we alighted and karthik being juz a wee bit tooo tall hit his head on the metal bar above the door it was damn funny ah!! everyone in the bus turned to look at us, and i cldn't stop laughing. hahahaha

                                                                        so after tat we went on to the company and i was talking to the crewing officer, he was a new guy kindda nice, tats a gd thing tat way he might help me return to sg on time and not drag like the last time ah. i was stuck in thailand for 2 weeks more!! So it's official i'm going for 6 mths in a few days time... takecare everybody stay safe alright.... i'll be back soon try not to miss me too much...hahaha i kid i kid.

To the person who was my everything do takecare, i hope good things come ur way. i'm sorry i said i didn't want to meet. i think it's better for the both of us this way... Please take things slow don't rush into things ok... i'll still always be here for you, juz so you noe :)

                                                                             To the other person who kindda means alot now, you're a wonderful person and i really do hope u'll be happy. Don't worry bout the exams and all i'm sure u'll do well. There're alot of things i've got to say but i don't think i'm ready to say it juz yet neither do  think ur ready to hear it. But it's ok like i said to my frens, ur the only one i wanna talk to but i don't wanna rush. Do takecare haha and i'm pretty sure i won't miss you ah! haha no la i'm joking i'm joking... =) i guess i'll see you soon... If you ever do read this i guess u'll noe huh... we'll see.

I miss you

It's been sometime since i've seen her, and i'm starting to miss her. It's kindda sad to think tat i don't talk to her tat much and all but i guess i'm not the type of person to let her noe she's being missed and all. I doubt she's feeling the same way but hey it's cool... i'm off to run now, can't fall asleep after my little incident at the 925 coffee shop with the 08 fellas... Crazy bastards!!! 

Cassanova

 This past weeks been really good, compared to the previous few. I realised something... that if you don't give in, in a relationship it's never gonna work out. I mean fighting for petty issues like not bring ur gf to orchard is a stupid reason to break up ah!!

                                Lucky for me i'm single, but i never really saw the girls point of view before, although i'd give in, i didn't understand why i was, all i knew was i didn't want to fight. Sometimes people have alot to say to the other person but they just have got too much of ego and are too afraid to say it out, thinking what the other person might think if they heard what they had to say... 

                                                            It's kindda sad cause you guys are great for each other you juz need to talk things out. haha learn people learn! don't throw ur love away juz cause of ur ego...

5 a.m runs.....

I don't really know what's happening nowadays, but i'm feeling alot more alone. I know i always have a grp of frens around me, but i'm beginning to realise that it's cuz i'm afraid of being without them and all alone. I'm running away from the fact that on the inside i'm actually sad and lonley. 

I don't even want to stay at home even for a while i can't sleep at during the night and to avoid thinking bout anything i juz grab my shoes and run. i started running at 5 am today and i only came home at 8.

What the hell wrg with me?? : s

I don't really care bout anything nowadays, i juz keep telling myself that it's ok and that i'm doing well and all but i'm starting to think that it's all bullshit. Would anyone in his right mind want to leave everyone he has juz so he can be alone somewhere else for half a year?? 

Frontin

I'm not sure wat exactly's going on now but things are kindda different. I'm stuck in a position i don't wanna be in. Tensions are high... I don't like this feeling.

I called the company today, the guy said he'd get me on a ship fastest by nxt week, i juz need a break from everything and everyone. I thought things wld be different this time round but i guess it's always the same thing in these cases.

Nonetheless i think i chose the right occupation for a person like me. It was nice being around everyone for the past few mths, but too much of a good thing can be bad i guess.

I'll go sialing around the world meeting new people hopefully i'll find someone who'll come sweep me off my feet : D haha fat hope. It would have been nice though if it was this certain someone, but i'm not keeping my hopes up.

Than i won't get hurt you see, smart ah! hahaha

Breathless

 valentines day was ok i guess... actually i got up a little later than usual. like 3 p.m so i didn't have to go through the most of the day.haha

I got to hang out with jithen most of the day, than go run than hang out with him again. so yea it was fun.... ok who am i kidding! it was nice being around my fren but it was kindda lonley also la.. 

Puvana i'm not angry with you or anything, we made our choices and going back and trying to fix things is juz not going to work for  me. i care for you alot, even now. I'm glad you called. i really am. Happy valentine's day to you. i'm sorry bout the movie plan, but i juz don't want to put myself in a vulnerable position again. 

I miss those times in my life where i felt everything was juz so fine, it hurts on the inside so much. to the other person i dunno why ur behaving this way, but i hope i didn't do anything to hurt you. If i did.... i'm really sorry.

I think im juz gonna move away.  i seem to be doing more bad than good for ppl ard me ah. Time to go far far away : D feel safe again.

We're just ordinary people

i kindda miss seeing her but i'm afriad to tell her, afraid of what she might think. I don't really understand this, whole thing tats going on. If i was together with someone for 2 and a half years, is it ok for me to be doing this??

At times i feel like telling  her, telling her everything. But i'm not gonna allow myself to be hurt again. Like they say once bitten twice shy, as it is i'm shy haha, time will tell i guess. She's special, different from the rest, thats wat made me start to notice her, but i guess we all meet different ppl and all, and not everyone leaves the same impression.

I'm not sad and stuff, i juz wish i cld turn back time and prevent myself frm getting hurt in the first place. 

 gtg now,kindda tired and i juz lost another 150, but it's ok. not to bumped bout it though. you win some you loose some eh : D nites everybody

i juz wanna go...

what the fuck did i do ah!!! fucking hell i juz came back hme from work you want to fucking shout at me for wat! As though iwas home the whole fucking day to see everything!

This sucks ah! fucking leave me alone every1 i had enough of these fucking ppl pissing me off everyday. U'll fucking be happy without me here la, i'd rather go and be happy on my own!

Soccer

i juz lost 3 fucking hundred dollars on blady sunderland against wigan!!! i'm fucking pissed!

I guess it is true, maybe guys do have a big ego, and i think i was alittle rude to you, i'm sorry its juz i've had alot of things on my mind of late, and loosing isn't actually helping. i'm really sorry, i wish i cld tell you this, but i juz can't.

I don't want to say things and spoil the friendship, it's not worth plus neither am i ready for anything. I'm juz so scared of stuff nowadays i'd juz rather be on my own, alone

Went to NUS yesterday, they were hosting a football and netball tournament. Kishore was representing ngee ann poly so Pravin, Jithen, Pereman and I went dwn to support. It was nice seeing old frens and all there.

We were supposed to be there at 8.30 but only managed to leave my huz at 9 cuz they were too drunk ah. Drinking session lasted till 6 on the morning! I feel kindda bad for wat happened there, with yoga, he's changed alot and not realising that i had to go and make fun of him, and at the end of the tournament he confronted me.

He was like ...

Yoga: dai y u had to say tat da

Me: say wat da??

Yoga: tat where i steal my shoes all

Me: dai i was juz joking da, y wats the problem

Yoga: dai i got name outside u noe da, wat ppl will think of me, i got reputation u noe!

Me: dai u are my fren i disturb u, u disturb me back ready tats tat. dun tok bout reputation to me, in my eyes u are my same old fren.

Yoga: fuck u da

Pravin:eh y u toking like tat, he's ur fren wat...

okok it's getting too long ah i think i'm gonna forget bout completing it!

She called me today, she told me tat she had decided tat she was going to leave for good. She said tat she didn't want this anymore, and asked me what i thought. I didn't noe wat to say, all i told her was you do wateva makes u happy, i'll still always be here for you, but don't expect me to take sides, cuz if ur going to do this, i'm not gonna stick with either of u'll. 

It's sad when u see things like this happen, but this is life and you juz have to take it i guess.

Ok i got to go now, going to play cs with jithen, anyone intrested in watching P.s i love you? 

Alone

I'm feel so bad for you, i can't do anything but stand by you, But when you urself say all those hurting things about me. What do you want me to do. Don't think tat juz cause i didn't stop you from going i don't love you

I wanted you to be happy, and if you being alone is going to make you happy and take ur mind of everything i'm glad i didn't stop you. I'm not going to cry or anything. I'll be strong and i'll be here.

I'm leaving on thursday, i don't want to see anyone and i'm not wasting my time finding for another gf. I never thought of tat. I'll come back 6 mths later i hope everything will be ok. i love you 

Friday

i'm so bored. i've not slept since y last post and i'm not tired aso. I went to run at 7 in the morning and came home, the fact that i've got nthing to do is killing me ah! so damn bored. atleast tonight won't be like this. 

I'm going swimming with banu at her place, and gonna watch a movie or smthing after tat. Atleast i've got smth to do.Hiazzz. ive got smth bothering me but i'm very shy to type it out here. haha

For those who read this guys don't cheat on ur gf's man, and even when u get married never cheat on ur wife..!!

MACS

 Karthik, Jithen, Pereman and i have brought the roof of the northpoint macs dwn ah. haha we kept disturbing ppl coming in and out calling them names and all. We're not mean ah we were juz doing ppl spotting and things took a turn .haha 

Pereman got to noe this really HOT gal. MONISHA ..... She's in karthik's friendster profile! HOT HOT HOT i tell you!! Smoking hot! i think pereman became hard looking at her pic ah. :D

Than we saw this really thin gals at the mac than pereman had to go call them fat donkey and he said it out loud ah, luckily the gal didn't noe we were referring to them.

We msged kohila karthik's close fren and called her a hairy monster! haha.... She told him to buzz off, and he made things worse by telling her to take a chill pill. 

It's been very long since all of us laughed like this and i really missed it. I've got great frens and i wldn't trade them for anyone! And they made me spend $20 within the half hr we entered macs ah. Lucky i won the soccer bets! 

See even now this HUGE gal entered and jithen juz called her a "hot smoking ka-ni-na" ANd pereman followed rite behind her ah! hahaha. ok this is too much ah.

And do u noe wat we're doing apparently..... WE"RE STUDYING!!!! sutha if u read this dun let him mix with us ah!haha

Can't sleep

I really think i have to see a doctor! It's been quite some time since i slept and i'm freakin tired but i juz can't bring myself to fall asleep.. 

And it's really starting to take a toll on my body. I went to run today and after the first 10 k or so i think i almost died of a heart attack! its the second time this is happeneing!

Now i'm taking it seriously! I'm too young to die man! i love my life too much ah.. i'm gonna stay away from track for a week or so, force myself to bed and see if there's any improvement..

Fingers crossed

One shot

My aunt was admitted in the hospital today. She's previously suffered a mild stroke,  now they have to amputate her toes due to some complications cuz of ther diabetes. I feel so sad for her.

She tok care of me when i was young and i've always been very close to her. It breaks my heart to see her in this situation. Her kids cldn't care less, And i'm furious with them for being the way they are. 

My mum has diabetes too, and if there comes a day when she is in this position i'm not gonna be sitting ard doing nothing and hoping that GOD wld help her. I want to be able to give my mum the best.She's done so much for me and i wldn't be where i am today if not for her. I've decided to go back to sailing as soon as possible. 

I was hesitating all these days cuz of the ppl ard me and the gal i met, But love or liking wateva it is, has to take second place this time. It'll juz have to wait. I want to be able to throw the cash and get wateva it is wrong with my parents fixed. I want to give them a comfortable life. I'm the oldest so i've to set an example for my brother.

I postponed going once for you if you eva do read this, But this time it's different. moreover we don't seem to be going anywhere with this whole thing also. U juz take ur time , but i've also got a list of things to do. If you actually feel the same way i hope u understand. I juz wish you wld for once speak ur mind...Atleast i'd noe, and so wld u.

Anyways it was nice knowing u. Thank you for being there for me when no 1 else was : )

Stupid!

She's a really stupid gal ah! now she thinks i like someone else and she's behaving all different! i feel like shaking her till her brains move or smth! Blady shorty! no brains la u! Everything small butt only big! kuku 

Ok ok sorry i'm ju too stressed out i think. I was talking to preeti today on msn, she' really nice, very jovial person.  And to think tat i took a 16 year old gal to be 20 + tats was so wrong. Sorry Preeti.haha But she's "blur" la u got to give her tat. She says msg me if anything but she dosen't give me her number. Ahha. kuku! got you!

:D i think i'm becoming very mean to ppl u noe, ohh well it's all in the name of fun... Msg me la kuku gal! y you so kuku 1 ah, now ur all must keep ur distance and stuff, i don't like any other gal! tsk tsk. See who's the 1 who dosen't speak their mind . I guess i'll keep writing at least till she finds out tat i have a blog than i'll delete this i think.haha. Have a safe trip puvana, thanks for calling me it was nice to hear ur voice. oh yes and banu!!! i'm coming on friday. i'll keep u posted ok.

Tats all for now, maybe at nite i guess... BYE...

These days...

I'm at the youth park at orchard, doing a event here " Funkamania"

It's damn blady boring ah, dun come here! Ppl dancing for hip hop songs almost all the grps have got the same songs and moves! Than there's one of the event co-ordinator guy here and he keeps pissing me off!

He keeps coming to me and telling me to play the music for the dancers, and than he was like

Asshole: ahh... ok you can play the music
I:i don't think they're ready you noe
Asshole: looks back, than says no no you can play now
I: ahh ok
ok so i press play, than.....
Gal frm dance grp:stupid dj dunno how to tell us before you play ah!!

What the hell!! stupid guy! IDIOT!

haha ok i shan't be so mean. It's been almost a week since i've slept.I'm damn blady tired.I went to work yesterday at 8 in the morning, and after tat went straight to kishore's huz for his b'day party, than headed to go clubbing.

I think i was too stressed or smth cuz i drank 3 bottles at kishore's place than went to club finished a 1 litre bottle of martell and started on another bottle of vodka.

This can'tbe too good for the body can it. And i was msging janani and i think she got angry with me or smth,but she didn't say she was la, i mean she nvr says anything so yea.

I shdn't continue this, I'm wiping out my savings ah.

I had just written almost like a page and when i published it, there was some error msg ah! stupid blogger!!! i really miss some1 terribly at the moment... I'm left feeling this way for the past few mths, i wonder why...hmmm oh well haha hopefully things change for the better. plus i'm kept occupied by running....

I've been doing alot of it lately... Wheneva i can't sleep i run, not hungry run, everything also run... I'm afraid i'm gonna be like those guys on the headline of the papers, "Teen dies of heart attack"! It's a scary thought ah....

If i'm not running i'm probably playing cs and sipping away on my bubble tea, or msging  Janani DOG! hopefully she doesn't noe i have a blog and read this.She'll probably kill me. Oh yea met her juz now, to walk her back...She's a very violent person keeps hitting me! i'm gonna kick her big butt one of these days.

hahaha anyways tats all for now, gtg watch my tv shows...

GOODBYE world : )

Down There...

The o'level results are out today, and many people i know were expecting to see very good results  but most of them didn't perform up to their own expectations i should say. What' done is done guys move on look forward to what to do nxt. And as for puvana i'm proud of you no matter what, u always worked hard and you should be proud of yourself.  I'm really sorry things didn't work out, but i really do hope ur happy. 

                                                              As for the gal i was toking bout in my previous entry, things seem a little lost i guess. She doesn't seem to be interested too. So i guess i'll juz wait and see how things go.

                   Cya : )

Cream colour paint!

it's 5.20 a.m and karthik and i just finishing painting his room! i'm damn tired ah! we started at bout 12 i think and it was back breaking work!i've got paint all over my hair, face, hands and every where else, not in certain places though. haha : D going to mac's now to have breakfast...

bye..... 

Smitten

I'm not sure what this is but, She makes me feel happy, smile at times, feel like strangling her the rest of the time, skip a heartbeat and most importantly "feel special"... i've been feeling all these emotions after 3 months but i'm keeping a distance cuz  like they say one bitten twice shy. She's a very strong person warm at times, but cold as hell the rest...haha we'll see where this leads to..nth anytime soon i think but it would be nice though if it moves up a step like being abit more open

Tats all for now, i'll keep u updated

AFRESH

The first post of this blog, hopefully i'll stick to this blog and not make a new 1. lol Certain aspects of  my life have changed of late, in terms of relationship and stuff but i'm ok i guess, apart frm the recent relapses.... it's scary to think bout going back and all... but shd i?